Anonymous Idiot

My mother was a bleeding heart and The Woman I Don’t Fuck As Much As I Should (Twidfamais, a nice Irish name) is a bleeding heart. Twiddy and I were out on an eco-friendly walk yesterday, when out of the blue she said,

“We don’t need a gas tax holiday, we need a gas tax increase. Then America will do what’s right.”

I replied, in my best pussy-whipped manner,

“Yes dear, but don’t say that out loud, lest you get your throat cut.”

What I wished that I had the balls to say was,

“Up your fucking ass with a splintery pole, you bleeding heart bitch.” (I don’t use that orifice.)

We parted company and I was left to stew in my own angry thoughts. I was thinking that I’d like nothing more than to take my car out for a random joyride, maybe run some red lights, terrorize some pedestrians, and just have a good time. But the gas station down the street looked like this:

Son of a bitch! How am I going to afford that? I don’t mean the hooker, but the gas price.

OK, I’m calmer now that I rubbed one off with an Internet photo of Scarlett Johansson

I guess I don’t mind a gas station charging $3.799 for a gallon of gas. (What is with the fucking 9/10 of a cent in gas prices? Am I going to drive away if the price is $3.80 and stay if it’s $3.799?) I could always go to the bank and get financing to open a gas station across the street where I could charge $3.599 per gallon and make some money. Let’s see…no financing available right now because a bunch of greedy people destroyed the lending market? Also, I could never get the gas cheap enough because of price fixing at the distributor level? Maybe I can get Daniel Day-Lewis come over and drill for oil on my property and build a pipeline and then I’ll drink their milkshake.

I thought that we were all about life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. In my life, I want to be free to put the top down and drive along the Santa Monica beaches with a beverage in my hand, no shoes, no shirt, and with my sun-bleached locks blowing in the wind. I want to cruise once in a while and scope the babes.

I want to save the earth, so my kids and grandkids can frolic on a beach and throw a frisbee on a golf course, not so they can just observe the world from some politically correct, rule-ridden sanctuary. Why don’t we steal Iraq’s oil and get the fuck out, or just get the fuck out? How about going after that shale oil in Colorado. So what if we have to level a few of their fourteeners, they’ve got a bunch of them, right? Oh, we can’t despoil Colorado’s intrinsic beauty? Ever see Leadville? (Quod Erat Demonstrandum.)